Can this really be happening to me again...yes it is.

So I'm having a serious meltdown because last week I got mastitis and I had to take antibiotics and now I have the dreaded thrush back.  Why, why, why, why(head hanging down and tears streaming down my face).  I promised myself that if I got that again I wouldn't put my family through my emotional ups and downs dealing with nursing problems again and now I'm faced with the decision to quit nursing cold turkey or try to work it out.  Emotionally, I am having a hard time deciding to let go because I FINALLY have enough milk supply for this baby and everything seemed to be going great and I've seriously never been so happy after having a baby, but I feel like I'm going to have problems with mastitis in the future since there are a few ducts I can feel she's not able to empty so why continue? I guess I was just so hopeful and dedicated to making it work this time.  I had thrush with Bea for 6 MONTHS and wasn't able to get rid of it so the thought just makes me sick that I got it again.  I'm not kidding when I say that I feel like I'm in a state of Post Traumatic Stress.  I am in shock(literally since I feel strangely similar to how I felt shortly after Georgie died, is that really weird?) that I got this again, I feel depressed and am in a numbing daze, I've been crying all day and am in denial that I have to go through this trial again.  I don't know why this is so important to me but obviously it is since I feel like such a huge part of my life right now is being ripped away from my control.  I don't know what to do.  I haven't nursed since 9am and every hour I feel worse about not feeding her. 

How is it with three you ask?

So, many of you who read Bea's blog when she was born might remember the many entries about how difficult it was to have a second child with a two and a half year old.  I don't know if I ever wrote this, but I was on the verge of insanity and literally broke down five times a day and found myself crying myself to sleep and screaming at Henry on a regular basis for almost a year. No kidding.  Needless to say I was really concerned about what Clementine was going to do to our family dynamic.  I have to say that it is going GREAT! I still have the same ol' issues I have always had with Henry and his attitude, but Bea hasn't changed much and is still as happy and normal as ever.  Clementine is a great sleeper and constantly gives me hours on end during the day to clean and play with the kids with no interruptions.  My house isn't a disaster, I get adequate sleep, my children have clean clothes to wear, I've been cooking a lot with the fresh vegetables from my CSA box and now my own garden and look at me, I still have a few moments at night to update blogs.  It is a miracle! I was preparing myself for the worst but this is the best possible outcome I could have asked for.  I have to admit, though, that Clementine is a little cranky if we were to compare her with Bea, but cranky newborns do not bother me one bit.  Cranky four year olds on the other hand, that gets on my nerves. 

I know that the Lord is blessing me to be able to have the energy and patience to deal with this transition and I have to tell everyone that I've uploaded the entire Book of Mormon on CD on an ipod shuffle and every morning when I wake up at like 7 am to feed the baby I listen to it for about a half hour and it's changed my life.  I have been blessed with so much more patience, love, and long suffering that I'm amazed at myself.  I still have a long way to go, but I am so glad I decided to do that because it's been such a huge blessing in my life.  Thank you to everyone who had a hand in bringing that book to light because it's helping me to be a better mother. 

Sweet Sleeper

The ever changing baby

Its always amazing to watch how much babies change in the first month of life.  Clementine has definitely changed for the better.  Her face has evened out in color and gotten a little chubbier and her features are more recognizable. The broken blood vessel in her eye is also almost gone.  Yea!  I thought she looked just like me when she was born but now I see a little of Bea(who is Justin's clone) in her.  What do you think?

Not sure what caused that dark spot on my camera.  No, it's not a big hairy mole.  I think she looks so pretty and peaceful in this shot...and a little like Bea

I tried to get a shot of her in this pretty blue dress but she's just too floppy and squished.  The dress fits perfect though which is rare to find for a tiny newborn.

You can still see the red ring around her eye in this shot.  It's almost gone as well as her umbilical cord, which I did not save.  It smelled like abscess! Brings back memories of my hairless rat, Egor.